The title of today’s post is Well Earned Rainbows. That was, incidentally, going to be the name of this blog, but I felt it was a bit too sanctimonious or just plain annoying, and so I changed it. But it seemed to fit quite well with the theme of today’s post.
Anyway, that is where I feel like I am living today — right underneath, basking in the glow of a very well earned rainbow.
The last couple of months have been a bit of a challenge to say the least. First trimester hormones wreck havoc on my sanity in the first place, but if you add to that the hormones that I take in the first trimester to protect the pregnancy, it makes for one emotionally unstable mama.
The problem with that, obviously, is that my life is pretty much turned upside down for two or three months. When the smoke clears, it’s hard to even pick of the pieces — everything is in such a shambles.
The good news of that is that the feeling of relief that comes when the clouds start to pass is so overwhelmingly welcome that I look forward to the challenges.
And that’s where I am today — not quite sure how to go about picking up all of the pieces and put them back together but looking forward to the chance of redemption and some sunshine.
We took the kids to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner tonight, and on the way home, I heard “Remember When,” by Alan Jackson. For those of you who aren’t into country music, it’s basically about a couple looking back on their many years together being grateful for all they were given.
I love the lyrics, “Remember when the sound of little feet was the music we danced to week to week.” That is surely where we are right now. Little feet running under, around, over, and sometimes seemingly through us day and night. It’s exhausting, but it’s hard to go even a few minutes without realizing just what a blessing it is.
And today I got one of those special moments that I know will live in my heart for years if not forever. TJ was in the bathroom getting the bubble bath set for the girls, and I was laying in bed with Ray Charles and Willie Nelson’s “Seven Spanish Angels” blaring through my iphone speakers while the Goose ran around with her guitar and Magoo jumped and danced on my bed in her fanciest dress with her fanciest crowns, screaming the lyrics “There were seven Spanish angels at the altar of the sun.”
They were both so happy and so free. So young and so open to any joy that is brought into their lives.
I’m not sure how much they realize when I get into one of my funks. I’m sure they realize I laugh less and they watch a bit more television. They probably notice that toys aren’t always picked up and dinner isn’t always homemade. But do they know that my mind is some place else, trapped in a web of dark and swirling thoughts?
I do know that they were both aware of how fully present and happy I was today, and I guess that’s all I can focus on.
It’s hard to live through those dark days. It’s really, excruciatingly difficult. It’s even more difficult to believe that they will ever go away. And while lying in the wake of them, I still feel their trembles, I also see that they are receding, and while it’s almost impossible to say that this relief was worth the pain, I can say that it makes the memories of the pain bearable.
Because after the rain, if you look hard enough and pay close enough attention, you’ll see that rainbow peeking beneath the clouds, and that rainbow will carry you until the sun is ready to warm your face and clear your mind again. If you look hard enough, you will always find it. That’s the glory of life my friend.