To Magoo as You Turn Five

I have this picture in my mind. You are laying on a baby blanket on the floor, and I am standing over you, camera to my eye, snapping picture after picture after picture.

And I have another one of you, dressed in your fancy pink overalls and your turkey hat, pillows all around you, and me frantically trying to catch the perfect photo of you before you fall over onto the pillows. This whole “sitting up” thing was very new to you at the time.

I have many memories of that first year. Every breath you took was magic.

I had a hard time that first year. Hormones took a toll on my moods, and being cooped up in the house all day every day didn’t help matters.

But looking back on it now, I see that one of the biggest difficulties I had was that I simply couldn’t believe that you were real. You were too perfect. Too special.

You changed the way I see myself. Because if something this unbelievable could come from me… Well, that changed my view of everything.

Slowly, first smiles and first rolls turned to first words and first “I love yous,” and what seems like just moments later, is now first days of school and first nights away from mom and dad. And to be honest, this all terrifies me. Everyone always says the time goes so fast, but I never actually realized just how fast until I met you.

During those first years when it was just you, your dad, and me, you were my touchstone. You kept me strong. You encouraged me to do better because I wanted to be better. For you.

And that is still the same now. But now you are also my proof that maybe I can take something as perfect as you are and not break it. Because in this broken, dreary world, you remain a beacon of light and of hope and of love.

Just two weeks ago, we were out in the backyard, and you saw a robin’s egg lying on the ground. You gasped and called me over. You asked me what would happen to it because it wasn’t with its mama in the nest. Like I always do when I’m buying for time for an answer, I said that we would have to ask Daddy. We left for school, and afterwards I asked you if you would like to go to the library. Always up for the library, you started sqealing, but then you stopped and screamed “No!” Because you said we needed to go keep an eye on the baby bird egg until its mother got back.

Sadly, when TJ went to go try to move the egg somewhere else, hopefully giving it some slight chance at survival, he noticed that there was a crack in it and it was full of ants.

And we lied. I’m not sure what the best thing to do would have been, but we told you that the bird’s mom and dad came and brought the egg back to the nest.  There was just no way I could have told you the truth. Because everything in your nature was telling you to hold on to that egg and protect it.

People always joke about how all parents think their child is the most beautiful and brilliant and kind. And I understand why now. Just yesterday, I had to support your head because you couldn’t do it yourself, and now you are showing caring and empathy to other creatures. How that happened in just five short years is beyond me.

I am proud of you for so many reasons, but your heart is the biggest. You watch over Goosie, encouraging her, teaching her. You show just as much joy in her accomplishments as in your own. When I can’t quite understand what it is that she is asking for, I know to ask you because often you can interpret her words better than I can.

And with little Mae, constantly you are kissing her and entertaining her. You got her first, genuine laugh. And you deserved it because you are so attentive to her.

My heart has changed so much in the last five years. Just like the Grinch, I feel as if it has grown twice in size. Being a mom has brought me more joy and fulfillment than any other thing I have ever done in my life. And you started me on that path.

I’m scared to think of how fast the last five years have gone and how quickly the next 5 and 10 and 15 will go. But with each chapter closed in your life, we are given a new, brighter one.

I am so honored to be your mother.

I love you shmininity.