To Goose on the Day Before Your Birthday

An open letter to my Goose on the eve of your first birthday,

Daddy just took you up to bed.  You were nearly inconsolable; it has been a very busy day with your very first birthday party.  You had your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins here.  You were surrounded with a house full of love.

As Daddy brought you up the stairs to go to bed, I couldn’t believe that an entire year has passed.  In fact, it was exactly one year and two hours ago that I was sitting in this very same seat and went into labor.  I told Daddy at the time that it felt like you had kicked the amniotic sac to pop it open.  We laughed at the time.  Now that we know you, we are pretty sure it is true.

For the last year, you have been an absolute joy to our entire family.  One of the great pleasures of my life is watching you play with your sister.  Perhaps you won’t always feel this way, but right now, you think she is pretty cool.  All she has to do is look at you and you will start giggling hysterically.  Whenever she is in the room, you make sure to crawl on over to her and play with her because whatever she has is always more interesting than anything else in the room.

And I can say that the feeling is absolutely mutual.  You won’t remember this, but she is desperately trying to get you to walk.  She will grab your hands, and you will stand up and she will walk you all over the house.  You both think this is pretty fun.  And she loves making faces at you in the car.  I hope one day you are able to experience the joy that comes when you keep your ears open and hear your own two little girls giggling in the backseat.  The feeling is second to none.

You have given me so much in just the last year.  You have taught me what it means to be totally and absolutely needed.  For the first nine months of your life, we were inseparable.  You didn’t really want much to do with anyone but me.  For the longest time, you wouldn’t even fall asleep to nap unless you were laying almost on top of me.  And bottles – nope, those were surely not for you.  It is demanding having someone need you day and night week in and week out.  Demanding as it was, it has been one of the highlights of my life.  I hope one day you know a bond that strong.  Now you are starting to go to other people.  You will let Daddy or your grandparents hold you, and I must say that while I am so happy you are bonding with other people, a small part of me is missing that special season when all you wanted and needed was me.

I sometimes wonder what your life will be like.  I wonder what activities you will enjoy, what types of books you will like, who your friends will be, who you will marry, and what you will choose to do with your life.  The future is full of mysteries, but if the past is any indication, you will be absolutely fearless in what you pursue.  Your aunt always says that you will be a stunt double for someone because you fall so often but so gracefully.  Ironically, the only thing in your entire life that you have been afraid of is the cake I spent hours making for you today.  But that’s fine; it’s stories like these that make reminiscing worth its while.

Along with your fearlessness, you have tenacity my little one.  We always joke that you are small but mighty.  You don’t get frustrated very easily at all, and I think that’s because you do not believe there is anything you can’t do if you just keep trying and trying and trying.  It is a joy to watch, and I hope you always keep that fighting spirit.

Yea, when I think back on your first year, the thing about you that stands out the most to me is your smile.  Everywhere we go, people comment on it.  I never knew what people meant when they said a smile lights up a room until I met you because your smile surely does that.  It’s big, and it takes up your whole face.  I think somewhere in life, most of us lose that ability to smile with our whole beings.  I hope you don’t lose that.  I have a feeling you will be a funny person to be around as you grow.

And so as I sit here, four hours before you are about to turn one, I know I should be celebrating all of your milestones this year and looking forward to new ones, but I am your mom, and as such, I am a bit sad.  Obviously, no big changes will occur over night, but still, I feel like we put to bed our baby and tomorrow our toddler will be smiling at us from her crib.  Life is about changing and growing and that’s what you are doing.  And I feel immensely honored to be the person who gets to help guide you through this life.  I just hope the years don’t fly by too quickly.

Much will happen in your life.  I would like for it all to be good, but none of us gets out without a decent amount of pain in our lives as well.  What I hope you will carry with you throughout your whole life is the knowledge that you are loved, whole heart and soul, dearly by both your father and myself.  A parent’s love never ends; it can cross rivers and break barriers.  It is a forever thing.  Seasons will come and seasons will pass, but forever and always you will be held in the closest recesses of my heart.  You are my goober, my goose, and I will forever be your mama.

“Though she be but little, she is fierce.” Shakespeare A Midsummer Night’s Dream