These Days

Sometimes I feel old.  Not really old in terms of years but in terms of… well everything.

I’m tired.  A lot.  Lately it has been the defining characteristic of my days.  I look at my worn out workout capris and my tee-shirt.  I look at my chewed finger nails and my dry skin.  And I surely don’t feel pretty.

I hand out snacks and I clean up dirty diapers and I wipe snotty noses, and I think of how unglamorous it all is.  How once upon a time people used to take notes when I spoke and now it’s like I’m talking to walls.

My life is dirty and exhausting and I sometimes feel really old and a bit washed out.

And then I look down at the baby asleep on my chest.  And I listen to giggles as the girls chase each other around in circles.  I see the pig tails and braids and the furry boots and the furrier hats.  I am wrapped in hugs and surrounded by love.

And I think how wrong I had it for so long.  How wrong I was to think that what mattered was how I dressed and what I said and who I knew.

Gladly, very gladly, I now trade in the respect of the world for the love of my daughters.  I’ll give up a million accolades and “job well dones” for one sloppy, wet, yogurt stained kiss even though yogurt often gives me the heebie-jeebies.

The world might not have the most respect for stay at home parents, mocking people they refer to as “housewives.”  People at social gatherings may pass me over when they hear that I don’t have an interesting “real job” to talk about.  Others might wonder why I gave up a job I adore to chase kids around all day.  The world might be very happy to go on running with me pretty much locked away from it all.

But when I lay my head on my pillow at night, I know that I have made a difference in the only way that really matters to me these days.  And it gives me the strength to carry on.

So yes, I am tired and old and more harried and frazzled than I often like to admit, but behind all of that, deep where no one else can see, I can feel just how truly and deeply blessed I am.  And I wouldn’t trade that for the world.