I often find myself wishing I could be a stronger person.
More solid.
More sure of myself.
Less susceptible to the words and whims of those around me.
I like old country music, and there’s this lyric that has always stayed with me, “You’ve got to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.”
Obvious grammatical nuances and cliches aside, this quote had always haunted me in ways that only things that speak the honest truth about ourselves can haunt us.
I stand for things. Good things. I stand for compassion and empathy and passion and fairness and justice. I stand for people who can’t stand for themselves. I stand for those who need help standing back up. I stand for those we often cannot see and those we don’t want to touch.
But when it comes to myself… Who I am… I’m not nearly as strong.
I’ll fight until the end for justice for another, but for myself…
I let myself be brought down by harsh words.
I let myself believe that I don’t deserve to be treated with respect.
I give up my sense of dignity if another chooses not to see it.
Unjust treatment towards others prompts me to action. Unjust treatment towards myself prompts me deep within myself, cowering in the corners of my being.
I find myself shaking and I find my resolve shaking. I become less solid. I become defensive and fearful and meek.
I wish I could build a fortress around my soul. Let the good in and send the bad rebounding back on itself.
I want to keep my soul clean and happy and light and joyful.
I want to be free.
I don’t think this is unique to me. I think far too many of us accept treatment towards ourselves that we wouldn’t accept from ourselves.
But if we believe in respect and dignity and equality and justice… Well, don’t we have to start with ourselves?