Possibly my favorite children’s book is Angel in the Waters. I received it as a shower gift when I was pregnant with Magoo, and I honestly thought it was creepy at first. It’s about a baby in the womb who befriends his Guardian Angel. Throughout his development, he starts to become more aware of all that is around him, and then eventually he is born. Upon his birth, he gets confused because he realizes that Mom is a person when all along he had thought of her as a place.
It sounds weird, I know.
Just like Love You Forever though it grows on you if you have that unique mix of hormones and baby love.
Anyway, I was thinking about this about an hour ago. Baby Tessie’s belly was hurting her a bit. Usually when she is unhappy, I just nurse her and she is fine, but since it was heartburn, she didn’t want to nurse, and I didn’t think it was a good idea anyway.
And so I did the only other thing I know to calm her down. I laid down with her on the bed, almost belly to belly. She was all snug in her swaddle blanket, and she rested her little head on my chest.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. I watched as the tension eased out of her little body, and she drifted off into that gradual sleep in the way that only the newest of babies can do.
And I realized how much of me she was taking in. She felt my body against her. She heard my heartbeat. She was inhaling me with every breath. And I realized at that moment that I got to be a place to her again. A source of comfort. Home. Peace.
And it’s moments like these that have always given me my greatest joy as a mother — the moments when I just get to be the something that soothes my girls and comforts them and brings them peace.
I think it’s perhaps that I’m always lacking in these things that I feel most honored to be them for my girls. I’m often tense and anxious. I lack peace quite frequently. And when you are an adult, it’s not always easy to find equilibrium during those moments. Reprieve doesn’t come easy. But for a small child, especially a new baby, just a simple presence and a hug and maybe some kind words or soft music can restore that.
And I stand in awe of that gift – the gift of being able to give to someone else what you can’t always find yourself. To heal the pain inside of yourself by easing it in another. Of making the world of your child perfect if even for a moment.
Sometimes it feels so hard to make a difference in the world. I guess it’s maybe for that reason that these moments are so special. I can’t do a whole lot, but for these girls, what I have is sometimes enough.