It has been a very long time since I have written. I don’t normally take breaks from writing if for no other reason that writing keeps me sane. But this past month or two I haven’t been writing because I have been savoring instead.
Things have been sweet, and things have been simple, and for me, those two things mean that things have been perfect.
I guess I shouldn’t actually use the word perfect because I’ve had pneumonia for the past month. That part sucked. But even with that, it just gave me a chance to learn to settle down.
I learned how not to beat myself up every time my house would get messy. I learned how to take things slowly and do what I could do – if that meant a load of dishes, that was great. If the rest of the kitchen was messy, I learned that it could wait.
And what the lucky perfectionists among us eventually learn is that the more you relax your standards, the more you actually improve the state of things. I can’t have a perfectly clean house 24/7 with three little kids. When I try, I get overwhelmed and I buckle in on myself. But I can constantly make small improvements. And I find when I do that, I might have a load of clean laundry sitting on my ottoman (true story,) but the rest of my house is fairly clean. Small steps lead to great victories, possibly the most notable being peace, comfort, and confidence.
All of this has led to peace, and it has also led me to believe in myself more. I’m learning that I can do it, but I’m also learning that I am worth it. That I can hold people responsible for cleaning up their mess. That it doesn’t matter if they all like a pig sty… if I crave reasonable order to feel comfortable in my house, then I can expect those who love me to play along.
It’s my home too.
But as much as all of that has helped things, the absolute greatest part of this summer has been just being with my family. Mae is 2.5 now. She is clearly still in the toddler stage and as such needs a lot of supervision, but it is so much less than last year when she was 1.5 and Goosie was 3.
I can take them places. We can go to a park and I believe there’s only a 55% chance of catastrophic injury. I can take them to the splash pad by myself. I can take them in the backyard to play, and they play for the most part. Sure Mae will still take off for the street sometimes, but oftentimes she doesn’t. I could sit and read. I could play along. I could garden if it didn’t make my entire body break out into crazy allergic reactions.
And these girls are fun! They are creative. We have some wilting sunflowers in our backyard. Okay we have sunflowers everywhere, but the ones they were focusing on were right by our patio. Today they decided to pick the seeds off of the dying flowers and replant them. Then we played catch. With a real softball. Because finally Magoo has decided to give it a try this fall. This even beats out the fact that we bought the first season of Little House on the Prarie, and she loves it as much as I do. Some of it goes over her head, but I think that might be a good thing.
And Goosie makes these amazing drawings. She sings nonstop. She’s constantly asking questions and dancing and making us laugh. She starts swimming lessons next week, and I am so excited because she is absolutely fearless in the water.
And then there’s little Mae. Still my cuddliest. Still the one who would spend her entire life sitting on my lap reading book after book. She’s two and she bawls when I say I need to stop reading after 30+ minutes. She’s starting speech soon for articulation issues, but she’s right on track with everything else, and it’s so adorable hearing her put together new and more complex sentences. And if anyone looks hurt or sad, she is the first to walk over and say “k Mommy?”
These little girls…
They are more than just my daughters. They are these little souls that I can’t get enough of. I obviously love them, but I like them just as much, and that is such a blessing. They are my companions. They are the best part of TJ and I. They are our joy and our solace and strange as it sounds, our respite.
I would never say they are my friends. For the next few decades, that is not my job. But they are my companions. We walk this journey together. TJ and I are the leaders as we should be. But those little ducklings walking behind us are our teachers. They teach us how to lead. They teach us how to mold them. They inspire us to inspire them to greatness.
Being a parent can be challenging. And I think that’s why God made kids so great. They make us aspire to be more so we can model more. All the good I strive for, all the holiness, all the virtue, is given new meaning when I know that it will give them an example they wouldn’t otherwise have.
So yea…
I haven’t been writing much. I’m sure that will change once school starts again and I have no time to process anything. But for now I am having fun just living my life. The overanalyzing can wait. There are rainbows to catch.