Remember me? It’s been awhile.
Things have been busy and crazy and hectic lately as I am sure they have been for all of you. And it has been a very long eight months.
To be honest, I’ve been having a difficult time lately. Throughout all three pregnancies, I have experienced very frequent contractions throughout the second half. With Magoo, they came whenever I would walk, but for the most part, that was it. With the Goose, I contracted every five minutes or so for a couple of weeks before she was born.
And this time around, they just don’t seem to stop. A week ago, they were as frequent as a few every hour. Over the course of the last week, some days they were more frequent and some slightly less, but they have been twice as strong, remaining uncomfortable often when I am sitting, and so strong I can barely stand upright if I walk for more than two or three minutes.
And all of this leaves me relatively out of commission. I don’t think the latter half of the third trimester is any woman’s most productive time, but I have a whole list of things that I want to get done, even more stuff that I need to get done, and almost no capacity in which to get them done.
We’re moving the big girls into their new room next weekend (and boy is Magoo excited!) so TJ has been up there painting all day. I can’t go in there because of the fumes. I can’t put away any of the Christmas toys or organize any of their stuff because that would require me to go into the room being painted. I can’t organize all of the stuff in my room that needs to be organized (now that we cleaned out the closet and playroom that will become their room) because all of the empty baskets for them are stacked way over my head, and I can’t safely climb a ladder to get them down.
And then the worry and fretting begins. I worry that since TJ is doing more of the basic childcare — chasing the kids, carrying them in parking lots, changing diapers — that I will lose my bond with them. I have an intense worry that I will go into labor and our house will still be in chaos. (This happened with the Goose coming almost a month early.)
But most of all, I worry that I have become totally and completely worthless and a drain to my family. I feel like the weakest link, the squeaky wheel. I feel like I can’t hold my own much less care for those I care most about. I feel lazy and self indulgent and just very very bad.
TJ likes saying that I am doing the most important job by keeping the baby safe and inside for as long as possible, but to me it just feels worthless. Like I should be able to carry a baby and function in the real world at the same time.
But there is a light, a saving grace.
See TJ and I often like to joke that the absolute biggest thing in our lives is Goosie’s personality. It’s huge. Barely fits inside these four walls. And she is always always on the move. Half my pictures of her are of her butt running out of the viewfinder before the shutter has a chance to fall.
But every so often, she will take a moment and be still and calm and content and it breaks my heart in the very best of ways.
I briefly turned on CNN today to catch the latest bad news regarding the fiscal cliff debacle when Jack Hanna came on with a ton of wild animals. And Goosie saw this and was enthralled. She ran over and got her Minnie Mouse doll and snuggled up on the couch with me for almost twenty minutes without taking her eyes off of the screen a single time.
I sat there kissing her cheek and her arm and staring at her profile. (I don’t know what it is about my children’s profiles, but they are mesmerizing to me.) She would call out the name of some of the animals, and mimic their sounds. She pointed out her favorites to me, all without removing her eyes from the screen.
And for the ten millionth time, I fell in love with this little girl.
It didn’t take away my frustration or my feelings of worthlessness (those are still going quite strong,) but it was just such a sweet moment that it made me feel slightly better despite them.
Hopefully soon I will be back with more upbeat and less self-indulgently whining posts, but for now, the best I could do was share my little piece of bliss amidst my daily chaos.
What makes you take a moment, take a deep breath, and smile? What’s your saving grace?
