I understand that I overthink things, and I also understand that I worry during times when perhaps a normal person wouldn’t worry. But this preschool thing is really getting to me.
We kept Magoo home from three year old preschool because I thought she would learn more staying home for another year, and I thought the increased security and confidence she would develop would outweigh the social development she would achieve being in school, away from me, two days a week. I’m really glad for that decision. She was still a baby and was fine staying home.
But now she’s ready for something more. She is extremely excited to go to preschool. She talks about it all the time, and she was so excited on her birthday because she knew that when she was four, she would start preschool. And we have found a school we really respect. It is preschool through eighth grade, so she will be there for quite sometime. And we are comfortable with that.
Well, comfortable is a strong word. In terms of traditional schools, I think we have chosen the best option available. I really do.
What worries me is the idea about school in general. Let me state right away that I am, in no way, an unschooling advocate. I understand the rationale for it, but I don’t subscribe to it, and that is not what this post is about.
What worries me isn’t academics. She’ll do fine, and I think my husband and I both have enough of a passion for academics that she will catch on to that and really be fine.
What I am worried about is an indoctrination into our popular culture. I get that this is where half of you will roll your eyes and click off the page. But hear me out.
We live in a very sick culture. The messages given to little girls are overwhelmingly negative. Our society does not paint a very healthy picture of femininity or womanhood. Then again, we don’t have a healthy version of masculinity either, but at least for now, that is on the back burner in terms of my concerns.
Girls are simultaneously taught that they have to excel and do well academically and also that their accomplishments don’t matter quite as much as that of their male counterparts. They are taught that they either need to pursue a profession or forgo all of that and be a nurturer. Our culture as a whole is not very willing to admit that women can (and are) both on a daily basis. And girls are taught that the number one priority for them is how they look. People will and do judge them based on their physical characteristics.
And then of course there is the idea of peer pressure and bulling, but don’t even get me started with that.
And all of these things combine to make me want to take both girls under my wing and never let them go. The problem with that is that they can never learn to fly if I don’t let loose a little bit.
And I guess I realize that school itself isn’t the problem. I see that as a problem because of bullying and peer pressure, but those are hurdles we could cross if we ever get there. I think I just see school as the place where they will be exposed to new ideas and new lifestyles and we won’t have total control anymore of the messages they hear.
And that is terrifying. Possibly the most terrifying prospect I have faced since becoming a parent. I don’t want to shield them from other cultures, religions, ethnicities, lifestyles, and belief systems. I want to shield them from alternate ways of looking at themselves. I want them to stay strong in their ideas of who they are. I want them to keep their confidence. I want them to keep strong their belief in kindness. I would love for them to always believe that the world is a kind place, but obviously that belief is neither true nor beneficial in the long run.
I want them to remain unadulterated, innocent, joyful, and openhearted.
Perhaps I am just wanting them to stay babies, and I’m just mourning the natural progression of childhood. Or perhaps my fears are legitimate. Or, odds are, I’m somewhere in the middle.
But as much as I want to shield them from all that can harm them, I must remember that this is neither possible nor helpful. They need to learn to be in the world. And the best way I can help them do that is by letting them go out into the big world while making sure they have a stable and loving home to come back to. Instead of worrying about messages that can erode their sense of self, I need to spend that time figuring out ways to help them solidify their sense of self.
And I guess I need to remember that some things need to falter in order to be built up stronger. I need to remember that they need to be exposed to all of these influences so that they can determine that which they want to keep and that 
which they want to get rid of.
And so September will come, and I will drop her off for her first day of preschool, and I will cry more than she will, and I will spend months worrying about whether we made the right decision to send her to school rather than homeschool her. But somewhere deep inside, I hope that I will have confidence in my decision. I guess time will tell.