I’m overwhelmed.
School started last week, and I am doing my absolute best to keep everything under control, and it’s starting to feel like a pressure cooker.
There’s so much to remember. So much to keep organized. So much to keep on schedule. So much to keep normal.
And I’m succeeding.
And that’s scary.
If I’m failing, if I’m falling behind, if everything is a mess, then there is not a whole lot to worry about. I can focus on surviving and getting through another day.
But now that my head is above water, I’m so afraid of falling beneath. I’m so afraid of letting one ball drop because deep inside, I’m sure all the others will come crashing behind, and I’ll find myself slipping and tripping over them all.
I’m terrified of failure. I have always been.
The one truth I have felt over the last few years is that I have been failing. And when you are living in your worst fear, you get depressed. You get overwhelmed. Bad things follow.
But now I’m on the other side. I feel like I’m succeeding – slowly but surely. And now the fear comes back. Now the fall can come. Now one small mistake could land me back on the bottom.
And that’s absolutely terrifying.
And that’s always the weird part of mothering. I know all the details don’t matter nearly as much as we believe it does. I know it’s the relationship and the support and the love and the inspiration and the stability that matter the most. And I think I do fairly well at those things.
But that’s not what the world sees.
The world sees the home and the matching socks and the perfectly fixed pony tales. And that’s what the world judges you on. And it’s hard not to listen to them. Because their voices are a lot louder than my own.
And so I’m sitting here. Still above water. Praying there’s a balance — between loving and surviving, between nurturing creativity and nurturing responsibility, between being and doing.
But we aren’t called to succeed by this world’s standards. We are called to something greater. And I will still strive to balance between both worlds.
It’s got to be possible, right?
In the meantime, I guess I’ll sit here running against the wind.