Today within thirty seconds of waking up, Mae and Goose had both jumped in my bed and were physically fighting each other over who got to lie closest to me. I’m the only one who got hurt.
Mae has refused to eat anything of any nutritional value whatsoever. Daddy brought home donuts on Saturday. She knows they are in the cabinet. She is on a hunger strike until I give in and feed her them and only them.
She has also learned how to open the silverware drawer. All she can reach is the knife cubby. No good is going to come of this.
I broke out the dry erase markers this morning so the little two could play with their new easel. There is more marker on their faces…and hands…and clothes than on the actual board. That’s okay because they have already lost all of the caps, so the markers are sure to not work for more than another day or two.
The fights in here rival the WWF except on a much shorter scale. I’m not sure if the majority of their moves are actually allowed in civilized fighting.
I let Mae cry it out at nap time. This was only the second time in almost seven years that I let a child cry it out. I was at a loss. I didn’t know what else to do. I judge myself for this more than anyone else could. And yet I don’t regret it. Sometimes temper tantrums are just temper tantrums even when they occur in bed. It didn’t last that long. Still, I feel guilty.
On the way home from school today, Magoo told me that she couldn’t wait to become a mother. She told me that she thinks it’s going to be so awesome when she has her own kids.
And I almost started to cry. Because it is awesome. It is so awesome.
Even though sometimes I find myself trying to will bed time to come. Even though sometimes the constancy of the door opening every thirty seconds while I shower for someone to tattle makes me want to scream. Even though sometimes I do scream.
Sometimes I think I’m just not selfless enough. I try to remember that to love is to sacrifice and that when we love deeply we sacrifice constantly.
And I like that portion of it. I like that it’s hard. I like that it requires so much. I like that it allows me to look outward and give rather than receive.
But every so often, it makes me want to hide under the bed and not come out until tomorrow.
Today is one of those days.