So I’ve been thinking a lot recently about peer pressure and the desire to conform. I think this is because Magoo started school and is entering the pressure cooker than small schools can sometimes be.
I started thinking today about what I would tell her if she ever found herself on the outside looking into a group that didn’t want her or if she ever found herself the recipient of another’s dislike or harmful words. What would I tell her?
The answer seemed pretty simple to me. I would know that I couldn’t really heal those wounds, but I would tell her back and forth, over and under that it is not about her. Other people’s preferences and feelings are about them. Some people may not like you. Sure. You are not in line with their tastes. And that’s fine because that is about them. Obviously it is never okay for someone to treat us with disrespect and we want to stand up to that, but if someone simply doesn’t like us — it’s probably best to just allow them their tastes and walk away.
Simple. Easy. No brainer.
So why then is it so difficult for me to do?
Over the past few years, I had started to pride myself on how I have become more confident around other people. Where once I would shy away and shake in anticipation of meeting new people, now I don’t give it much thought. I guess it’s because I realize that most people are just fleeting and therefore not worth obsessing over, but I think it’s also that I realized that life is too short to try to be something you are not to please someone else.
I’ve had a rough friendship or two in my past. Friendships that did not bring out the best in me. Friendships that I feel made me be someone I wasn’t in order to stay in the relationship. I look back on that now and think how foolish it was of me to willingly hand over my power to define myself to another.
Foolish though it may be, I think it’s also an intrinsically human mistake to make. We want to be liked, and so we, subtly or not so subtly, change ourselves a little bit at a time to conform to some outside version of who we should be.
Take today for example. I knew it would be my first real opportunity to meet the other preschool moms. I have been a mom for four years now and I have had plenty of opportunity to meet other parents in child-centered situations, and I have never been too nervous. But today I found myself fretting over what to wear and worrying whether my hair was decent enough to stand in the drop off line. In a way it was like I was back in high school. Will the cool girls like me? (Haha – they never did.)
But now that I reflect on this hours later, I realize how foolish that reaction was. Will some of the moms like me? Probably. Will some prefer others. Probably. Does any of this really reflect on me at all? Possibly not. Sure I am responsible for the character traits I present to the world, but I’m not responsible for the way they are received. I could worry about what others will think and try to control that which I cannot control (other people’s perceptions) or I can try to avoid negative perceptions by living the life of a chameleon and making myself into what I believe others want me to be.
Or I can simply be me.
And I’m reminded that the most well received lessons are those that are modeled to us. I look at my girls, and the choice becomes clear.
In case you are interested, below are some pictures from our day. It was quite busy with an impromptu morning dance party followed by preschool and all of that hullaballoo associated with that.
And for those interested, yes Magoo had an amazing time at preschool. She has spent the entire evening jumping around singing, telling us about her entire day. I would blog more about it, but I’ve spent so much time discussing her beginning school that I figured you could all use a break from it.
Her feet seriously have barely touched the ground all day because she was so excited about going to preschool and then she was so excited about how preschool went.
The Goose decided to get in on the dance party or as Magoo calls it, “The Dance Department.”
And here are my official first day of school pictures.
The Goose decided that Magoo shouldn’t have all the fun. I think she is planning on going with her to school on Friday.
