Sometimes I feel like I am in totally over my head. And by sometimes, I mean pretty much all day and every day.
I’m a stay at home mom with two kids and one on the way. It would be hard for my current station in life to be any more average. And yet I guess it’s average that I can’t even live up to, and that really sucks.
And yea I sound a little bit depressed right now, and I probably am, but I just needed a space to vent for a moment because in my entire life I have never felt so much like I am drowning.
And the thing is that I’m really not quite sure why. Sure I’m pregnant and sure Goosie has been having a tendency to wake up at all hours. Last night, we had the pleasure of finally going to bed at 4:30am because she was up screaming every 15 minutes or so, and in general, it takes me at least 30-45 minutes to fall asleep. She’s teething, and I feel horrible for her and her misery, but it’s tough. Add to that the illness that we all keep passing back and forth to each other, and we are all pretty much cashed out physically.
And I’m not really sure, besides the bone aching fatigue, where I’m going wrong. I just know I walk around all day seeing everything that I should be doing and that should be done, and I kind of crumble under the pressure of it. Sometimes I just worry that I’m not enough for the task at hand, and I worry that my whole family is suffering for my shortcomings. Suffering because I simply do not have it in me to give them all that they need.
But in the end, I wake up each morning, and I put on a smile, and I get my girls. I feed them and read to them and play with them. I make sure they are warm and loved and cuddled and cherished. And I try to believe that this is enough, that I am doing right by them. But they are the most precious gifts I have ever and will ever be given, and I’m just not sure that my best could ever match what they deserve.
And in the meantime, I slowly disintegrate under the pressure of the tasks left to do, the projects that can’t even be started. And I know I’m the only one suffering because of what I fail to do. No one else cares if my closet is clean or if I have to dig to the very bottom of my drawers to find something presentable to wear that is clean. Only I notice, and only I pay the price for not having these things done. But sometimes, I go to the selfish center of my being and I start to ask myself when do I start to matter and when does what I want matter?
And so yea, perhaps I haven’t been a ball of giggles these days, and I know I have been far beyond remiss in posting, but I just haven’t had it in me recently. I’ll continue to do the best that I can, but as I’m just about to go into the third trimester at the same time that I will be resuming working online a few hours a week, it won’t be as often as it had in the past. At least not for now.
And so I apologize for this whiny post; it’s the best I could do today. I’m sure I’ll regret being so honest, but honesty is about all I have to give at this point. I am just so unbelievably tired.