Myself

I like rocking out to music with my daughters.  It’s one of the highlights of my day.  Usually we’re super cool and rock out to Christian music or Country Western ballads, but today we picked Three Doors Down, “Let Me Be Myself.”  I adore that song.  And it got me thinking about what that really means and what most stops me from being myself.  I think when we are young, we often hide who we are to be accepted by other people, but what about now as an adult?  What is holding me back now?  And I found a one word answer: depression.

Depression has taken a lot from me, and luckily, I have been able to reclaim most of what it has taken.  But its strongest hold over me is the way that it holds my confidence captive.  It made me believe that I couldn’t do anything.  It made me believe that the couch dwelling, tv watching, mopey-head was the real me and that any moments of inspiration, creativity, and forward momentum were just temporary.  It made me believe that the depression was me.  Depression is a bastard.

Perhaps out of all of the lies that depression has told me, the biggest one is that it knows who I am, that it is who I am.  So next time I’m feeling particularly down on myself, I’ll keep the words of Three Doors Down in my head…

“Please would you one time

Let me be myself

So I can shine with my own light

Let me be myself.”

And I’ll remember that I am not defined by the worst opinions of myself even if those worst opinions are held my me.  I’ll remember that there are two versions of myself, and I can choose which one I believe.  Or at least I’ll try.