Mommy Nostalgia

Do you ever find yourself missing things that you currently have?  I do all the time.  Perhaps it’s a sign of a deep seeded psychosis on my part, or perhaps it’s just a natural effect of raising two (soon to be three) amazing children, but whatever it is, I find myself doing it often.

I look at Magoo and the outfits she wears like this one that she wore to church this evening.

I barely notice them anymore because this is just how she dresses, but then we’ll go out in public, and I’ll hear people commenting on her attire, and I am reminded of the flair that is distinctly Magoo’s.  I think back to when she was first born and how all of her outfits matched and had coordinating accessories, and now she wears rain boots in the middle of a drought with butterfly pants and won’t have it any other way because that’s how she dresses fancy.  I imagine twenty years from now looking back at pictures of her dressed as a butterfly or a queen and I imagine just how sad I’ll be at how fleeting these moments are.  I miss them even as they occur.

I got my most recent positive pregnancy test at the beginning of June and even though I was quite excited, I still couldn’t help but be a bit sad because I realized that my days of having positive pregnancy tests are coming to a close.  We don’t know yet whether we’ll stick with three kids or go for four, but either way, I’m over half way done, and that saddens me to no end.  I spent the better part of the last ten years trying to get pregnant and I’m not sure who I will be when that door closes.  Will I be heart broken and pray to rewind back to the days of having infants or will I be relieved that I was able to grow the family I desired and relieved to not have to go through the conception roller coaster anymore?

My guess is that the feelings will be mixed.

Just the other night, I was thinking about everything we will have to unpack for Baby Valentine.  I was happy to think about how I’ll be able to use our bassinet again.  I love our bassinet.  It is all organic cotton, and it is about the most soothing and comforting piece of furniture we have ever purchased.  I am thrilled to be using it again.

And yet I realized that our months of having the bassinet at the foot of our bed are coming to a close.  One day, I will be looking to give that away or sell it, and I can’t help but feel a bit of anguish at that thought.  I remember registering for all of that baby gear when I was pregnant with Magoo.  I remember TJ and I staying up nights putting it all together and how we would lock it all in the nursery with the door closed because we were horrified at the thought that the cat would climb in and get fur all over it.

And then there is the girls’ room.  We’re still not sure what we are going to do when the baby arrives — do we put all three kids in one room once the baby is six months old or so and ready to move out of our room or do we convert the playroom into a room for the girls and give the baby the nursery?  (Or best yet, the economy suddenly and drastically improves and we can finally sell our house and get one with more room.)

Right now, we are leaning towards putting all three kids in one room, and do you know why?  Because I can’t possibly stand the thought of taking apart the nursery and even changing it in the slightest.  One of my favorite memories I have of TJ (even as he sits across from me very real and very here) is him fixing up that room for Magoo.  He wouldn’t let me paint in there, and so he (who hates painting) spent days in there hand painting the entire room the perfect shade of purple for his little princess.  And then he hung the letters to her name over the door, and that was when he really got me.  My husband, who hates little details like that, spent hours up there measuring letters and the distances between them and exactly where they should go to be perfectly centered for the baby.

When I was pregnant with Magoo, I would spend hours in there rocking in the Lazy Boy, folding her clothes and just staring at it all, amazed that this was finally, actually happening.

And now, just a few short years later, we are nearing the midpoint if not the last third of our time as the parents of an infant.

And that is utterly inconceivable to me.

And so yes, I miss these things even as they happen, and in the case of having another infant, even before they happen.  It’s such a sad thing that these glory days of family life are so short and so fleeting.  But I guess if they weren’t, they wouldn’t hold the magic that they do.

And I guess I have to remember that the glory days don’t need to be over.  I don’t know what it’s like to raise big kids, but I’m sure there are plenty of joys in that as well.  They are just different, and I will have to one day learn to adjust.

Change is just hard.  Even before it occurs.