“Mama, I scared [of] you.”
Those were the words my Goosie sobbed in my ear today after I yelled at her.
To be fair, I only yelled two sentences, “Goose! What are you doing?! Now it’s time out!” after I caught her pulling half the leaves off of Magoo’s shamrock plant after I had specifically told her not to touch it. And I think she was more startled than scared because if she were really scared OF me, she wouldn’t have ran into my arms for comfort.
But still…
My baby. The little girl I love and cherish and comfort and protect said those words.
I don’t shy away from disciplining the girls when they need it. My primary purpose it to help them grow up to be women of integrity. But I don’t believe in compliance through fear. I’m curt and short out of frustration, but I can count maybe one or two times I have yelled at any of them. With the curtness or the yelling, I apologize to them. I tell them that we all have a right to our anger but that no one, even mommies, has a right to act with disrespect.
I want them to trust and respect authority. I want them to trust and respect themselves.
My Goosie is a sensory kid. She likes to cuddle and experience things through her senses. She gets overwhelmed and tired sometimes from her passionate little life, and when that’s the case, she grabs her blanket and cuddles into me. For whatever reason, perhaps because I think in many ways we are so alike, we share a wavelength. Very few things in my life have calmed my heart rate like wearing her as a baby in a carrier, and the same is true for her. And today I feel as if perhaps I have fractured, if ever so slightly and reparably, that trust.
A mom is supposed to be an authority, a guide, a shelter, and a home. But today, if even for the briefest of seconds, I failed in that. I created fear instead of redemption. I scared her instead of instructed her. I helped her learn retribution rather than empathy.
And for that, many hours later, my heart is still heavy.
Please don’t get me wrong. I understand the need for boundaries and limits, but when we react in anger to those souls with whom we have been entrusted, we overstep our own boundaries and limits.
Tomorrow will be better. I’m sure of it. But tonight, I’ll lay my head and search for redemption.
No one is perfect. Especially us mamas. But how I so wish that weren’t true.
I think we all have the right to lose our patience every once in a while … we would be superhuman if we didn’t. And if we apologize and talk to our children about it, then we are showing them to forgive. Which is just as important as to respect. Great post!
I think you are right — our imperfections help our children to live in their imperfect beings in this imperfect world. Thanks for the reminder!!
You really are a beautiful writer. I agree about the yelling in theory, although I’m not as good with it in practice. Sometimes I just lose it. Sometimes I apologize, but sometimes those kids are just needling and it really does stop whatever craziness is occurring. Plus, I think it gives my three a common bond to know that they have overstepped the line. I would forgive yourself pretty quick. I think you are doing better than most. Great post.
Beautifully done. But I agree with what was expressed – it’s just as important for our little ones to learn what to do AFTER they’ve acted poorly as it is to learn to try not to do it. Seeing is how they learn, so while this would be bad if a recurring thing, you probably actually taught her a GOOD lesson today.
My own precious daughter is highly-sensitive as well. And I confess, on days when my depression is getting the better of me she probably gets scared of me in moments, too. She also is a tremendous caretaker – at only-just-two, if I’m sitting curled up and crying, she will sit down next to me, pat my back, and ask, “What happened? Are okay?” I only WISH she would hold still enough for me to share heartbeats with her again. Whenever I try to meditate (which I’m terrible at), I try to center myself by remembering our skin-to-skin time, koala care, when she was a newborn preemie; those times were the most peaceful times I’ve ever felt ever.
Glad you found my blog so I could find yours! G’s fantastic. 🙂