I want to feel peace.
I am a happy person. I struggle with things as we all do; I’m not immune from that. But I have been very blessed, and I wrap those blessings around me, and I look at my life, and I am very happy.
But happiness doesn’t always equate to peace. That’s what is elusive to me.
Some days I am very excited. I get good news, and I am over the moon. I sometimes find it hard to relax because I am so very excited. Those are the days that give life its spice.
Nevertheless, they are exhausting.
And then there are many days that I struggle.
I look around at all I’m responsible for, at all I have to do, at all I want to do in order to consider myself successful at life, and I feel like I’m not sufficient for the challenge.
I see mountains, and I feel exhaustion. I see challenges, and I feel trepidation. I see goals, and I feel self doubt.
Once, those feelings overwhelmed me. They stole all peace and they stole all contentment and purpose and esteem. They stole everything internally that could be taken from a person.
That’s not me anymore.
But that doesn’t mean it comes easy.
It takes a lot for me to overcome the demons. It takes a lot for me to rise above. What to some seems like standard competency, for me sometimes takes enormous focus. Not because I’m not capable. But rather because my mind tells me I’m incapable.
I see a pile of laundry. It might take me five minutes to put it away. And usually it will get done. Someone will look around, and they will see tidiness.
What they don’t see is what it sometimes takes to get there. The hour of doubt. The hour of words going through my brain telling me that I can’t, and I’m not good enough, and I’m a failure. They don’t see the hundreds of other tasks that flood my brain when I put my mind to completing one.
They don’t see that when you struggle with depression and anxiety and self doubt that laundry is never just laundry.
And that’s good. I’m glad those thoughts are internal and no longer bleed out. I’m glad my struggle is more silent.
But that doesn’t mean it’s not there, and it doesn’t mean it’s not a challenge, and it doesn’t mean that sometimes I just don’t need to open it up and let it out and say, “this is me.”