God has this thing he does to perfectionists — he makes them mothers.
In some ways, perfectionism can be a friend. It motives us. It propels us forward. It moves us closer to excellence.
Growing up, it served me well. It helped me in school and athletics. Upon graduating from graduate school, it continued to serve me well. It helped me be good at my job. And all along the way, it helped me juggle more than perhaps I should have been juggling. It kept me going when I would go to bed clinging to the mattress because I was so exhausted from the day’s work that the room was spinning. When you feel the need to always be the best, you may not ever actually acheive perfection, but it will help you move towards at least pretty good.
But then one day you wake up and realize that life has been there silently waiting while you pursue this ideal, and you start to wonder if it’s really worth it. If the end goal is worth the pursuit.
I still struggle every day with perfectionism.
It’s a very hard tendency to overcome.
Someone once told me about this idea of “good enough parenting.” Apparently studies have shown that kids who grow up with good enough parents turn out just as well as children who grow up with excellent parents. The conclusion people then come to is that all we ever need to be is good enough.
And that sounds great. It means that we don’t have to be perfect. There is leeway. There is room for error and imperfection.
But there’s also an unspoken premise that I’m not sure sits perfectly well with me. The premise is that the outcome is what matters the most. That if kids will turn out the same whether we do excellent or merely okay that we might as well sit back and settle with okay. Because the outcome is king.
The problem I have with focusing solely on outcomes is that they are unpredictable. We can’t guarantee how anything will turn out. There are too many external influences. And so what I always try to focus on is what I put in.
And then I’m left with the question of what do I want to put in — what is good enough or what is excellent.
To me, it’s all about integrity. When I look at my priorities in my life, my family is number one. And so what do I want to give to them? How much of me and my effort do they deserve? When I look back, what will make me feel like my life was well lived?
And so yes, I strive for excellence in all the ways that matter to me as a parent.
But there’s another side to it — parenting is such an all-consuming task that to constantly seek excellence is quite impossible. We can’t succeed. We can’t do it all.
And that’s where I am today. Staggering and broken and totally overwhelmed, constantly playing the list of the day’s failures in my head. Wondering where I can possibly find the strength to do better next time.
To me, it’s quite hard to find that balance between excellence and peace. Between doing my best and doing just enough to get by. It’s somewhere in this balance that we find peace. It’s somewhere in this balance that we actually find the nectar of life, the rhythm that keeps it all going, the sweet spot.
And I guess that’s a challenge we all face every day. How much of ourselves can we give? How much are we willing to give? And when there’s nothing else there left to give away, how do we find the strength to stand back up, dive in, and give even more?