For as long as I can remember, I have always had an adversarial relationship with my body. It has been the source of so much shame in my life. Ever since I was a freshman in high school, I felt as if it had betrayed me.
I would have sworn up and down that it was the reason I didn’t have many friends, and I was sure that no man could ever love me because of it. It caused me years of pain when my stomach went haywire and wouldn’t always allow me to even enjoy everyday activities.
It was never good enough in sports, never looked good enough in a dress, and (so I thought) held me back from anything I had ever wanted. Shame and disgust led me to crazy diets, a night of drinking a whole bottle of citrate magnesium, months of surviving off of just dry salads, bagels and slushies, and a few low moments in a bathroom stall of a dorm room where I had convinced myself that if I could just get that piece of pizza out of my stomach, then the panic and self loathing would go away.
My body refused to lose weight regardless of what I did; it refused to ovulate no matter how much I wanted a baby, and it refused to act nicely during my pregnancy and allow me to have an uncomplicated, safe gestation. It was the enemy in every way. Or at least I thought it was.
And then things started to change a little bit over the last year. Nearly exactly a year ago in the very spot I am sitting in right now, my water broke starting what would be a (nearly) intervention free natural delivery. I was in awe. I could not believe that my body was able to go into labor and then deliver a baby all on its own with the supervision of but without the assistance of medical professionals. Shortly after her birth, the Goose was put on my chest, and she began to nurse. And there was colostrum and days later there was milk. Once again without any assistance, my body was doing what it was supposed to. I was shocked and immensely proud and quite vulnerable.
And then I was about to check out from the hospital, and the doctor came in to give me discharge instructions. I asked him if I could stop checking my blood sugars since now that I was no longer pregnant, my gestational diabetes should have been a thing of the past. This little wiry doctor lunged at me (my husband can attest to this) and started yelling at me about how I needed to change all of my habits and how I wasn’t taking care of my body and that if I didn’t start taking care of myself, my body would punish me. For the entire five minutes of his verbal attack, I tried harder and harder to hide in the pillow or under the covers, anything to hide the shame that started searing through my soul.
And then I went into the shower in my hospital room and I sobbed hysterically for about 45 minutes. I had a beautiful new baby girl and my husband in the other room, and I had my older daughter waiting for me at home, and I couldn’t even leave the shower. I was humiliated, and I felt betrayed once again by my body. See, I had changed my habits months earlier. I had gestational diabetes, and I gave birth to a 7.5 pound baby, and despite both of these, I only gained 3 pounds. I had started checking my blood sugars at 10 weeks even before I got gd because I wanted to be proactive. I was living off of whole grains, fruits, and vegetables, and I was exercising as much as my dangerously low blood pressure would allow. But none of that mattered because no one could see that. Because my body had betrayed me. Again.
After that, the shame came flowing over me in waves, and I was lost. I went back to eating unhealthy food even though I didn’t want it because I didn’t think I deserved any better. There was no point eating well because the only thing my body was good for was what other people could see, and if they couldn’t see the changes, then they didn’t really exist. I didn’t really exist. I was just a shadow hidden within a body that I hated.
And that’s where I’ve always been with my life. I’ve always lived in a body that I thought was a source of shame, and I treated it as such. Either I would starve myself and spend hours upon hours at night compulsively counting numbers and figuring out how much weight I can lose in how much time, or I would be battling the urge to just vomit everything up and purge a little bit of the shame, or I would be eating horribly unhealthy processed food because I simply didn’t see any reason to treat my body with any type of respect.
And then I started running. The first couple of weeks were humiliating to me. I thought that surely everyone was looking at me and wondering why I was even bothering. I thought they were all just laughing at me.
But slowly, I started to see my body in a different light. It was doing something. It was actually taking me places, and my speed and my distance were improving. I got up to running over 15 miles a week and still wasn’t losing any weight, but at least I was doing something. People might look at me and believe I sit on the couch eating fried chicken and hash browns all day, but I was going to be different even if no one ever saw me as different.
And that’s where I was today. It had been a few weeks since I ran because I broke my elbow and then I spent a couple of weeks in intense pain from dental work I had done. But we went out this morning in the heat and ran some errands, and I was walking around in 93 degree heat with a long sleeve black shirt on over my clothes because I was so ashamed of my body.
And that’s when I decided to start running again. Not because it will help me look any different because I don’t’ really think it will. But because I want to be proud of myself again. I want to take control of my body. I might not be able to get it to look like what I want it to, but I can put in all the effort that I can. I can’t control the outcome (my hormones play a big part in that,) but I can control the input.
Because my body is more than a source of embarrassment and shame. My womb was home to both of my little girls for nine months, and it will hopefully bring me more children in the future. My breasts were a source of food for the Goose. My arms are comfort for my daughters when they are hurt or sad, and they are the place they run to when they are scared. My lungs breathe life into their lullabies. I need to focus on what my body can do rather than just what it can’t do and what it is not. It’s not perfect, but if I learn to respect it, perhaps it will become less imperfect even if only in my own eyes.
And who else’s eyes should matter anyway? Perhaps it’s time I stop letting the world dictate my worth and instead decide for myself. In God’s eyes we are all equal, and when we are finally able to look through those eyes, perhaps we will finally begin to find some peace.
That is insane how that doctor treated you. I hope you reported him. Being a doctor of pregnant and post pregnant women he should absolutely know better than to say something so mean to an emotional hormonal woman who just gave birth. Terrible bedside manner! I’m sorry you had that bad experience 🙁
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and comment. No, I didn’t report the doctor, but I’m definitely finding a new one next time. He was so bad on so many levels.
I hope you come back soon 🙂
Mandy this beautifully upsetting. So many women hate their bodies for so many varied reasons. I love that you are still finding the good amongst it all though – keep that optimism close to your heart and you’ll be okay. And keep up the running, 15 miles is amazing! I don’t know if I could even do 5 haha. I really want to take it up though, I have been hearing from a lot of bloggers lately how accomplished they feel and how good they feel from it! I wish you all the best love and I am always here with a listening ear if you need someone to talk to {hahah I rhymed}
Thanks for the comment. I’ll email you my response 🙂
This is such a moving post. Beautifully said!
Thank you very much for your kind words.
Its brutal that we are so shamed into being perfect that when we cannot attain it we feel there must be something wrong with us.
There’s not anything wrong with you hun. You are strong and beautiful and an obviously honest and heartfelt person. I have no idea what you look like, but you look pretty darn awesome to me.
🙂
Thank you so much for your comments. This made my day 🙂
This post? Is awesome. I have food issues and body image issues stemming from stuff when I was a kid. It’s miserable to feel like your body has betrayed you. Good for you for taking charge! Good for you!
Thank you so much! I really appreciate the kind words and encouragement.
What a horrid doctor! I’m glad you’re in a bit of a better place now…
Chelsea says it best above – “beautifully upsetting”.
Hard to believe you were treated that way by that doctor – shame on him!
You are so right about people judging without having any knowledge of their personal experiences. It amazes me that this happens so frequently. You have shown such strength in your journey & I hope that continues for you, continuing your focus on what is important to YOU!
Thank you so much for your kind words. It really means a lot to me. I hope to see you again on here soon 🙂
You speak for a lot of women. Our bodies are never good enough for us. We’re always trying to alter them thanks to the almighty image of the skinny model. And that always makes it worse. Running is an excellent course of action or any other exercise that you love. Yoga (the athletic version) is my thing. But, you’re right to an extent that it won’t change your body. Diet (lifestyle) does that. Check out the Body Ecology Diet (google it) which regulates a lot of things in your body. Maybe it will click for you. In the meantime it really matters who we are on the inside, not the outside, doesn’t it? Cliche, but true.
People Do Things With Their Lives
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate that you took the time to come here and visit. You made some excellent points!
oh, darlin. you are more than enough. without ever seeing you {and isn’t that in some ways just the best? we get to see someones heart in word form, without the trappings of the outer} i am speaking your worth. your beautiful heart and talent. run if it makes you feel healthy, i get that. but know that however it shapes out for you weight wise, no one can take away your great outlook and spirit. stay strong, i know that’s harder to do than to say. xoxo
Thank you so much for your kindness. I really appreciate it. I’m gonna go check out your blog now 🙂
Great, empowering post! Good luck on your journey…and when that shame creeps back in, come back and read this post, remind yourself of all the wonderful things you and your body have done.
Thank you for the kind comment. And thanks for the luck! I think we can all use luck when it comes to changing mental habits.
I am assuming PCOD? Either way, I remember reading once (that’s as close as I get to exercise) that just the act of exercising could make you look better, because it improved how you felt about yourself. Not that it inspired me to get moving, it did make sense to me. When I complete a chore that should be on a man’s honey do list I’m always proud of what my body did for me, and that feels better than anything.
Hi Vanessa, yea it’s pcos. Good guess 🙂 Exercising does make me feel so much more confident. The hardest part was getting started. I had to take a break when I injured myself, and honestly, what got me back into it was wanting to feel that way again. Thanks for visiting and taking the time to comment. I’m so lucky to have such kind people reading my blog 🙂
I was so glad when I got to the second-to-last paragraph. While I was reading I thought back to how you wrote about birthing your child and nursing her and I wanted to shout “But look what your body did! There’s nothing more miraculous than that! Be proud of your body for that if for nothing else!” But you got there on your own. You didn’t need my shouting 🙂
Yes — the things that I went through with the Goose’s birth and nursing totally changed the way I see myself — in good ways. I wasn’t able to nurse my oldest, and I always felt so guilty about that, so I was proud when I could the second time around.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and read my blog. It means so much to me.
So beautifully written!
Body image is definitely a subject that hits close to home for me … what that doctor did was ridiculous … I completely understand the feeling of giving up … I recently lost forty pounds … yeah forty … I didn’t drop a pant size … nobody noticed … and I went on a two week binge gaining back ten pounds … because I figured what’s the point? … why bother? … I completely understand EVERYTHING you’re saying in this post … including the wonders of childbirth and nursing … I hope you continue to find peace within yourself 🙂
You should be so proud of yourself — 40 pounds is a huge accomplishment! I totally know the feeling of not getting anything out of it and slipping backwards. But remember that other people don’t count when it comes to how you feel about yourself. Believe in yourself and that you are worth it even if no one ever notices. Love yourself 🙂
Thank you so much for visiting!
I started long walks every day and was getting so proud of myself but have been knocked out with a horrible flu. In a few days I will be back on these walks and I am determined to prove to myself that I can do something about my body. Lets do this together.
That is great! I love going for walks as well. It’s a nice thing for the girls and I to do in the afternoon. Keep it up! I would love to hear of your progress.
Pardon my language, but that doctor was a douche. What horrible bedside manner!!
I love stories like these because I experienced that same moment when you have gone through life loathing yourself and putting yourself down and then it suddenly hits you that you’re not stupid like your father said you were or your body isn’t this horrible betraying thing. I know this sounds like a cliche, but it’s a lot like dawn.
It’s such a good feeling!
Good luck to you on your journey! 🙂
Kathy,
Thank you for your comment. I am so glad to hear that you have found your dawn. Changing the ways we view ourselves is very difficult, but it is worth it in the end.
I was lucky to have two parents who always told me I was beautiful and smart, and I still ended up doubting myself. I think it’s a default some of us just set ourselves to.
Thanks again for your response 🙂
The last sentence says it all. Great post.
You show tremendous strength. I give you a lot of credit for persevering through the hard times.
And that doctor was an a-hole.
You are so brave to write about this! Thank you so much for sharing. And I can’t believe the nerve of that doctor that yelled at you! You just gave birth, you are recovering from a major ordeal AND have a newborn to take care of… I can’t believe he attacked you. Heartless and cruel.
Thanks for writing this! New follower from the blog hop!
I love this: “In God’s eyes we are all equal, and when we are finally able to look through those eyes, perhaps we will finally begin to find some peace.”
I’m really sorry that doctor talked to you like that. He may know something about biology, but clearly he doesn’t understand how people work. I wish you could have had a baby doc like mine. Keep up the fitness. For a lot of people I know, when it becomes about quality of life instead of self-image, everything clicks. Try to think of yourself as you do your daughters and take care of yourself (physically and emotionally) accordingly.
Thank you for your comments. You brought up some really great points that I want to think about some more. I like the idea of thinking of ourselves as we do our loved ones. How things would be different!
And I definitely agree about making it about quality of life. When I feel like I “should” go run, I don’t because the pressure is too much. When I instead run because I want to feel better (usually mentally) I usually run for longer than I had even planned.
Thanks so much for stopping by 🙂
i can’t speak for your body but your honesty and strength in writing is lovely! and i also found some peace with my body through running, so i hope that carries on for you.
You are too kind. That you so much for that. I appreciate you taking the time to leave me a message.
This is a wonderfully complete post – and I really felt each back and forth in your journey to loving your body (and self!). Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you for taking the time to stop over and read it. I appreciate it 🙂
I get it. I’ve been running 4-5 times a week, running and walking 2-3 miles, since January. I’m so frustrated for not losing weight but I’m no angel. I sabotage myself for whatever reason. I’m healthy. I’m in great shape. But you wouldn’t know it by looking.
Great share.
That sounds like what I do — about 3 miles 4 or 5 times a week. Keep it up! I would love to get up to five miles, but I’m so slow that it would take me forever!!
Body issues are such a real and painful thing for so many women. You are pretty powerful in your resolution to rise above them and be strong. I appreciate your ability to see the powerful things your body has done in birthing and nourishing your girls. This is a great story that I feel is just the chapter. Erin
Thank you so much for taking the time to stop over here and comment. I appreciate your kind words.
I love the second to last paragraph. I’ve found that being pregnant, giving birth, and nursing my babies has done more to bring me peace re: body image than anything else.
Pregnancy and birth really do wonders in changing the way we view the purpose of our bodies. It’s a process, but one I’m happy I started. Thanks for stopping over!
Amen! amen! Amen! “Perhaps it’s time I stop letting the world dictate my worth and instead decide for myself. ” I’ve really got to do some work in this area.
i’m sorry it’s always been an issue for you. I love to run. It’s a mental relief too. more so than any other exercise I’ve tried.
I want to punch that Dr!
It sounds like you are at the right place now. The place where you see you are worth it, your body, your soul. & your self deserve it.
What a great post! Back in the day I always thought of you as being so athletic and thin (my thighs were bigger than all our friends, my hips too, and well, I couldn’t wear and look good in the clothing and dresses all of you did). I didn’t know about your struggle then, but then you probably didn’t know about mine. This was a courageous post, Mandy! Thank you for sharing. I have had to retrain my brain over and over again regarding my body image, and for some reason it creeps back and begins to nag every once-in-a-while. Way to go and depend on focusing on judging yourself based on who you are (emotionally and spiritually) instead of on that which is passing (physically).