So our third little blessing as arrived. Little Miss Mae was born on Thursday afternoon at 35 weeks and 6 days. She was 19 inches long and 8 lbs even. And in the few days she has been with us, she has been an absolute joy.
It’s so weird when a baby is born. Up until five days ago, she was a part of our family, and daily I felt her presence in both numerous kicks and plentiful contractions. But in many ways, she was still an idea, a prospect. She was a part of our future, but in our present, she was a glimmer of hope rather than a physical reality.
And then she arrived. And it’s as if I have known her my whole life. I feel like I know things about her and her personality that I couldn’t possibly know yet. I feel her spirit. Her peace. Her gentleness.
And she has the darkest full head of hair. All along, TJ and I assumed we would have brunette kids. After all, we both have dark hair and hazel eyes. And then blond hair, blue-eyed Magoo was born, and it took us by surprise. The Goose has our hazel eyes, but she has a not so full head of very blond hair. And then Mae came along, and now we were surprised that we actually did produce a brunette child. Her hair is quite dark but then there are some blond pieces in there making it very interesting to look at. And I can’t believe how much of it there is! Neither of her sisters had anywhere near this much hair. I guess it’s my novelty because it is so different from the other two.
But then you look at her face, and you can clearly see that she is a part of our family. In some pictures, she looks exactly like the Goose while in others, I would have a difficult time determining if it is Mae or Magoo. And their faces are my favorite sites to see, so you can imagine I’m more than thrilled to have another one to gaze at.
Her sisters are in love. I joke that her sisters’ love is both her greatest blessing as well as her greatest danger. The Goose screams, “Baby!” every time she sees her and runs over and gives her many kisses. About an hour ago, I looked over and saw her putting her toy phone up to Mae’s ear so she can listen.
And Magoo is a very proud big sister. She’s not quite the novelty to Magoo that she is to the Goose, but about once an hour, Magoo asks me if she can hold her. I think she’s old enough to understand that she’s a little person, not a toy or a pet like the Goose seems to think she is. But Magoo is also sensitive, and she’ll hold things in, mulling them over in her mind. I think she’s trying to figure out the place in the family our new little one will take and how that will affect them all. I think, in the end, she’ll be happy with the changes.
And of course things haven’t been all roses and sunshine. I’m still feeling the affects of childbirth. I’m hoping that starts to fade soon because for the first time since my second trimester, I have energy, and I want to tackle a million different projects, but first I have to wait until my body heals a bit more. And of course the first weeks with a newborn are challenging as it is with trying to get breastfeeding established (ouch!) and trying to figure out new routines.
I’m happy that very little to no change has had to come to the older two in regards to schedules. Especially while TJ is home from work for a few days, we have been able to keep everything totally stable for them. That will change a bit once he’s at work, and (gasp!) I’m left as the lone adult with three little girls, but I’m confident that a few months from now, we will be settled in to a normal routine.
And then of course there are the postpartum hormones. With both older girls, I went through the day that I think most new moms experience where my hormones dropped and quite literally anything could make me cry. (With Magoo, I cried because I really wanted to watch a television show that night — and I did — but it was just the very idea of getting to watch that show that brought me to hysterical, barely-breathing tears.) But that hasn’t happened this time. I think it can happen anywhere in the first two weeks, but my guess is that I somehow side stepped it this time. But still, my anxiety is through the roof and nearly anything can make me feel guilty. Luckily, I am able to recognize the cause of all of this, and for the most part, I’m able to put it in its place and not let it steal my joy in this moment.
And maybe that’s one of the biggest personal lessons I have learned in the last week. Nothing is perfect. Even in the most perfect of circumstances (the joy of bringing home a new baby,) there is no perfection. Things will go wrong or we will feel wrong. But that’s okay because it doesn’t need to steal our peace. I so desperately want to enjoy this honeymoon phase with my little Mae that I’m not surrendering easily to all of those feelings. I’m standing up to them and standing strong.
And when I start to feel like I’m faltering, I look around and I see my three little girls who look up to me and look to me to learn how a woman acts, and I am boosted with even more determination. Because in the end, my greatest blessings are also my greatest responsibilities. Every time they make me smile or make my heart flutter, I remember that those feelings come with the task of doing right by them and for them. And there’s no other task in this world that I more look forward to carrying out. I’m not sure I’m big enough for the challenge. I’m not sure I have what it takes. But I am absolutely certain that I will spend the rest of my life trying to live up to it. For them. Because my whole world resides in those little eyes looking back at me.
(And for the record, Mae isn’t her name. Just like Magoo and Goosie, it’s part of a nickname I call her.)