The past has been pretty good to me, and sometimes the present can be a little bit shitty. But still, you will be hard pressed to ever find me wishing to go back in time.
My children are exhausting. Exhausting at times. Two under two is hard. Those two over two… even harder.
But every time Mae watches me pretend to sneeze something across the room and she breaks out into this all out belly laugh, I find myself praising the present.
And every time Goosie tests my patience by using “But I want to” as an argument for why she should be able to climb a tree that’s thirty feet tall, I find myself appreciative of her ability to use language to express her needs and her wants. I relish the glimpse into her mind that her language gives me.
And every time I see Magoo hop out of the van and run to her friends in the morning with her backpack bouncing up and down on her back, I catch myself in prayers of gratitude that my little baby is secure enough to leave my house, leave my car, and venture out into the world to see what it has to offer her.
These days are exhausting and full and sometimes I feel like I’m on a roller coaster. But almost never will you find me wishing I was anywhere else.
Except for a brief moment every now and then…
Sometimes I’ll get nostalgic, and I will think back to those first few days with Magoo, and I will be overcome with longing.
Never in my life had I been so overwhelmed or so unsure of myself or so terrified or so panicked or so obsessive. And that’s saying a lot because I tend to live my life in those states.
But those first few days with your first newborn are some of the most alive days of a person’s life. Hopefully for most of us, our whole lives had been filled with love up to that point, but the moment you hold your first baby in your arms, you learn that there is a new kind of love out there. It’s fresh and it’s full and it’s breathtaking. And when you’re not used to it, it can make your very skin hurt with its depth.
I’ve had three babies and God willing, perhaps one day we will have more. I have experienced that first moment with each of my daughters, and those moments are etched into my soul. If we are able to bring moments into eternity with us, I pray that those three come with me.
But the first time, when you have never experienced it before, and you had no idea to expect it… that’s gold.
And so I would never actually go back in time to Magoo’s first days because that would require me to put on hold my time with my little two, and I would never do that. But it would be nice to experience that moment. That rush. For the first time, one last time.
But of course it wouldn’t be so special if we could experience it on demand. So instead, I’ll tuck it deep inside of me, and I will hold it there until one of my babies holds their first baby for the first time, and then I will look into her eyes, and I will know she has felt it. And that’s more than enough for me.
These little people change us. They take whole, formed human beings, and they break us apart, and they put us back together in ways that make us so fully human that we wonder if we were even alive before. It confuses me and it surprises me and at least once a day it catches me fully off guard.
And sometimes I wish I could feel that for the first time again. But instead I will happily settle with feeling it for the first time again today. Because while it may not be new and it may not be fresh, its potency never fades.
