Sometimes I wonder just how much our feelings and our actions are determined by the amount of control we believe we have over our lives and the level of mastery we believe we are able to achieve in our most important tasks.
I have been a SAHM for nearly four years now, and it is the single most rewarding role I have ever filled. There is nothing that compares to the trust my daughters have in me and the depth of the relationship we have been able to foster. Some of the activities that I do as a SAHM are the most challenging but most fulfilling I can imagine.
And yet I find myself depressed and lost quite frequently. And I know that a lot of these depressed feelings stem, at least in part, from staying home. So how do I reconcile those two – the utter joy and the overwhelming depression? And I think the answer lies in control.
As a SAHM, it is very easy to feel a lack of control, largely because we have very little. Our schedules are often determined by little ones. The amount we accomplish in a day is determined, at least in part, by the temperament and whims of people who like sticking peas up their noses. We may spend an entire day (or week) cleaning only to have the tornado that is a two year old destroy all of our work in a matter of seconds. And like right now, I may desperately want to work on my writing and my blog, and I may have an infant who is deciding that nap time isn’t for her, thus destroying my well laid plans.
So we have that lack of control, but then we also may have a difficult time finding mastery over anything. The things we do matter immensely, and yet how much of it can be measured on an achievement scale? I might be very good at changing poopy diapers (and I am!) but that’s not going to win me any awards, and there is no way to compare my effort and achievement in that realm to anyone else’s. And when I do achieve something (say perhaps making a whole day’s worth of homemade baby food,) my daughter may refuse to eat it and throw it back in my face, and all that hard work will be out the window with not so much as a tiny smile of appreciation coming from anyone.
This lack of appreciation and recognition might not be as huge of a problem if we weren’t conditioned from the very beginning to crave and seek out just that type of reinforcement. Often we spend our lives seeking achievement and chasing goals only to have those goals and the way we measure achievement change the second we become mothers. I believe this change of focus is crucial, and yet that doesn’t make it any easier.
So what is a SAHM to do then? Do we throw up our hands and bow out, saying we can’t do it? Do we curl up in a depressed ball and watch Dr Phil and The View all day long? Do we give up our standards, or do we cling to them, desperately praying for recognition from someone some day?
I actually don’t think the answer resides in any of the above even though I partake in all of those activities regularly, too regularly. No, instead I think we have to drastically change the mindset we may have carried with us for a lifetime, and I think we need to start defining our own standards. I think it’s important that we create our own high standards and then work on meeting them and possibly excelling at them. After all, no one’s praise and acceptance could ever match our own in terms of the effect it will have on ourselves and our perception of ourselves. And no one’s example of how to find meaning in life will matter as much to our children as our own.
We need to find our senses of control and mastery by figuring out what is possible in our day and what is important in our day, and putting a priority on it.
What matters most to you in your day? What two or three things would you like to accomplish each and every day? Would you feel more in control if you were able to achieve them? What values do you need to live by that can give you a sense of mastery and efficacy?