Hi girls,
I was up until 2:30 in the morning worrying about you three. Most notably, worrying that I won’t recognize the right paths to lead you down.
I thought of moments I regret, of bad decisions I’ve made, of bad relationships I’ve entered, of choices I wish I could take back. And I thought about some of the reasons I made those decisions and stayed in those relationships. I thought of not feeling worthy enough, of feeling too broken, of being too lost, too alone, too confused.
And I looked at your three pictures hanging on the wall, and I saw the innocence and promise and purity behind those eyes. I was overtaken with a desire to protect you. To shield you from the pain of this world. To keep you protected under wings of holiness.
And I realized that I couldn’t do it. I can’t protect you. I can’t keep you from people who would want to use you or control you. I can’t inocluate you against feelings of doubt and insecurity.
And let me tell you, that is a terrifying feeling for a mom.
Right now, it’s simple. You are 2,4, and 7. I have a say these days. I know who you are and where you are going. I try to surround you with innocence and joy.
But it won’t always be that way, and the days when it won’t are coming on like a freight train.
And so I found myself lying in bed last night trying to figure out how someone who fell into all the traps I did could teach you not to fall into the same ones. How can someone as imperfect as I am lead you down the paths of perfection.
And of course, the answer is that I cannot. First of all that path doesn’t exist, and if it did, it’s not one any of us fallen people could tread.
You will make mistakes. They might be the same as mine, or they might be different. All I can do is vow to be here for you to help you pick up the pieces.
You will have doubts. You will at times succumb to the pressures of society. You will question yourself. All I can do is be the voice of truth in your lives: reminding you daily of the value and purpose and beauty that is infused in all of your lives.
And you will find yourselves lost at times on roads that perhaps I wouldn’t wish for you, perhaps you wouldn’t wish for yourselves. And at those times, all I can do is walk alongside you and help us find our way home.
Girls, you weren’t given a perfect mama. If only I were, then I could lead you down the right paths. But all we have is some imperfect people doing our best to find our way home.
And so as you are at the beginning of your journeys, my promise to you is that I will always be here when you falter. Of course, I’ll be here to share your joys and victories, but perhaps even more important, I promise to be here during your defeats and sorrows. I will be an open ear, a nonjudgmental place for you to fall.
I won’t always do it perfectly. I’ll make mistakes. But if you stick by me, I will do the same, and somehow we will find our way through the mazes of this life.
We aren’t perfect. This isn’t a perfect world. But the closest we come to Heaven is when we walk the path together. And as long as I am in this world, you will never need to walk alone.