Confronting the Bitter

I’ve been wondering lately how people become bitter.  I’m not talking about people who are poor losers or who are upset about one missed opportunity in life.  I’m talking about people for whom bitterness has become a way of life.  What went so wrong that led their souls to such a dreary and hateful place?

I’ve heard quite a few people say that a lack of forgiveness can cause bitterness, and in many ways, I understand this.  If you lack forgiveness, you can’t move forward, and a part of you will always be stuck in your past hurts.  Refusing forgiveness becomes an act of aggression against your own psyche.  And that all makes sense, but I think there is another component there as well, and I think that is a refusal to own our own actions, reactions, and feelings.  It’s an adamant refusal to give up the belief that we can control things and that things should be a certain way.

Whoever came up with the word “should” has done us all a great disservice because that which should happen rarely does.  And that makes sense because everyone has a different idea of what should be.  Some of us are able to accept this while others aren’t, and therein, I believe, lies part of the key as to who becomes bitter and who is able to overcome.

And I think you all probably have people in your own lives that are strong believers in the ways things should be.  They are usually easy to spot.  They are often overwhelmed.  They give up easily, and then they just stop trying.  The complain.  And then complain some more.  And they finish up by complaining again.  They often speak of how people are corrupt and always out to get you.  It’s almost as if they need to only see the negative in people.  And they seem totally and completely unwilling or unable to forgive.

And it is terribly difficult to deal with people when they have allowed themselves to be overtaken by bitterness, but if we keep fighting with ourselves, telling ourselves that they should not act this way, we are falling into the same track.  We are being brought into their worldview and way of being in the world.  In essence, we become that which we despise.

So what can we do?  What could they have done that could have led them to a different place?  And I think the answer lies in integrity.  I talk about integrity a lot because I think that in the end, it’s about the only thing that we really can control.  We can control our reactions.  We can accept that nothing is promised to us in life and that we may not be able to change people or circumstances or the world in general, but we can change ourselves and we can stay true to who we are.  We simply can’t expect things to be a certain way.  When things don’t go according to our plan, we must accept them and then find a way to move forward without spinning in circles screaming, “should have been this!  Should have been that!”

And yes, this is hard.  Very hard.  Bitterness can be contagious.  But it is oh so important to our happiness and peace. When things get the roughest and we feel the most backed into the corner, that is when we most need to really solidify who we are and what we want.  And hold on to what Katy Pary sang out when she said, “this is the part of me that your never gonna ever take away from me.”  (And yes, I sincerely apologize for the pop music quote.)

In what areas of your life are you stuck telling yourself over and over that people should act this way and things should happen that way?  What power do you have in the situation?  Remembering that you can’t control anyone else or all external circumstances, what can you change in yourself that will help you live in this situation with peace and dignity?

And after writing that paragraph of questions, I realize that once an English teacher, always an English teacher.  I simply can’t read or write anything without coming up with a list of critical thinking questions 😉